Tomorrow is Jason and my fourth wedding anniversary. That may not seem like a lot to you, but we have been through a fair bit in those four years.
Marriage is not easy, especially when life gets rough, but it is through the most difficult seasons that we have drawn the closest together. Because you lean on each other, and in the process, learn so much more about how to love one another, and be loved by each other, better.
To that end, here are my ‘top tips’ for a healthy marriage.
1. Be Quick to Say Sorry
This is top of my list one – because I think it’s essential, and two – because it’s something I am not good at and am working on.
I’m learning that I don’t have to think it’s all my fault to say sorry first. I don’t even have to think it’s more my fault.
I just have to recognise when I have made mistakes, own up to them, and say sorry for my part.
J is amazing at this. He is so quick to say sorry, even if he hasn’t figured out exactly what he is sorry for. He just recognises that things have been said that shouldn’t have been, and he holds his hands up for his part in it.
And you know what? It’s a game changer. It diffuses a situation that, were it left up to me, could go on for days! I am excellent at holding a grudge! And (most of the time) his apology results in me quickly apologising for my part in it to.
Now I’m trying to make sure it’s not always him that has to apologise first. And on that note…
2. Be quick to forgive
There will be times when our significant other messes up. There will be times when they ae clearly in the wrong and hurt us (whether intentionally or not).
When that happens, we need to be ready to forgive, and forgive quickly.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy. Everything in us wants justice and them to somehow “make up” for what they’ve done. But demanding ‘payment’ does not lead to a healthy marriage.
Marriage is about humility. Just as apologising is humbling, so is forgiving. It’s about serving without expectation, and it’s about loving freely. It’s about modelling the kind of love that Jesus has for us – even when we don’t deserve it, he doesn’t ask us to earn his love.
And in the times when it’s the most difficult to forgive, meditate on this scripture until you can – “Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive (Colossians 3:13).”
3. Spend time enjoying each other’s company
This may seem like a given, and when it was just the two of us this one was really easy. But now with a daughter in the mix, we can end up going for a really long time without spending time together.
And I mean really together. Actually talking to each other about something other than what we have to do that day. Or when we’re going to fit in that task. Or even worse, our only communication becomes the sniping and nagging at one another because we’re utterly exhausted and depleted.
It’s important to set aside time simply to just enjoy each other’s company. To talk about how we are really feeling. To dream about the future. To listen to each other’s stories. To actually have fun together.
Sometimes I can get so caught up in getting things done that J will make a joke and it’s like I completely forget that I can laugh. When I’m busy, I’m almost always, by default, on edge.
I need to consciously remind myself to not take life so seriously, to remember that we can’t ever be too busy to still have fun together.
Spending time with each other and being able to slow down, be intimate and laugh together will strengthen your friendship and ultimately protect it from burn-out.
4. Learn what they need
Emerson Eggerichs writes in his book ‘Love & Respect’, “We asked 7,000 people this question: ‘When you are in conflict with your spouse or significant other, do you feel unloved or disrespected?’ 83% of the men said ‘disrespected.’ 72% of the women said ‘unloved.’”
In marriage, we often assume that our needs are the same as our spouse’s. That the way we think, or process, or feel, is the same. But this very often isn’t the case.
For example, we may assume that, after an argument, our husband needs to hear how much we love him, because that is what we need to hear. When in actual fact, according to the study above, our husband is more likely to need to hear how much we respect him, even when we disagree.
Likewise, J and and I have very different ways of processing information. He is an internal processor, which means he listens to information, quietly thinks it all through, processing how he thinks and feels about it, comes to a conclusion internally and then shares it.
I, on the other hand, am an external processor. I like to talk things through out loud, working my way through my thoughts and feelings, exploring all the possibilities, and only then coming to a conclusion.
When we first got married, this caused more than a little tension. I would talk about something, give J about five seconds to respond, assume that he was just not interested, carry on talking, get annoyed that he wasn’t speaking, and then lash out at him because he wasn’t saying anything and didn’t he care about this at all?
All the while, J would be trying to process internally the tsunami of information I was throwing at him, trying desperately to form his thoughts, getting overwhelmed at the speed in which my thoughts bounced around and frustrated at me for not giving him time to think and form a conclusion.
We have different needs, styles, love languages, ways of doing things. And it’s our job to learn what our spouse needs. But we won’t always get it right – learning all the complexities of what makes another person tick takes a lifetime! And when we get it inevitably wrong, refer to points one and two.
5. Put each other first
Wives are to submit to their husbands and husbands are to love their wives like Christ loved us, being willing to lay down his life for hers (Ephesians 5:24-25).
This doesn’t mean wives must deny all of their preferences (Jesus doesn’t ask this of us so neither should our husbands), but submission in this context focuses on showing love and serving, as Jesus demonstrated serving those he loved. Likewise, husbands must show sacrificial love towards their wives.
What do these commands essentially come down to? Putting your spouse first.
Putting your spouse above everything else doesn’t mean putting all your time and energy into your spouse and their needs.
But it does mean making sure that all the other things you have going on don’t damage your marriage.
It does mean thinking about your spouse and considering their opinion when you are weighing a decision.
It means being unselfish. Putting their feelings, needs, and well-being ahead of your own helps you to create a sense of “we,” where everything you do focuses on keeping the marriage healthy.
And if both sides of the marriage do this? Then both parties are loved, cherished, secure and fulfilled.
6. Simply, be kind.
Let’s make things simple. Love is patient. Love is kind. “Your kindness will reward you, but your cruelty will destroy you.” (Proverbs 11:17).” Find small ways to make your husband or wife feel cherished each day.
Mel Robbins has this philosophy: Treat your spouse like the dog, only better. Despite being funny, I actually think this is good advice!
Greet them at the door. Tell them each morning that you love them. Bring them coffee/tea when they get in from work.
Always be happy to see them. And tell them – they aren’t a mind reader.
Go for walks every day. Spend quality time together, just you two.
Reward good behaviour several times a day with a treat. Say thank you. Bring home flowers/chocolate to let them know you are grateful for them. Text/flirt throughout the day to let them know they’re on your mind.
Give lots of physical affection. Cuddle often. Hold hands. Kiss regularly.
Don’t hold grudges. You don’t punish a dog for weeks on end for pooping once in the house…so don’t be mad at your spouse for something they said last week.
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